Where am I Headed
Once upon a time, many years ago I had my own vision of what my life would be like when I grew up. This was during the time where my whole family was still alive and present here on earth. During the year, different seasons would present opportunities to dream of my adult life, while enjoying the benefits of being taken care of as a child. My immediate family consisted my mother, father, 1 brother and myself.
In the warm spring and summer months it seemed as if my imagination would grow like beautiful flowers. My father used to let me sit in the grey Volvo parked in the driveway and start it up. I can still remember the smell of the pine scented Little Trees air fresheners he used mixed with the smell of his Royal Copenhagen cologne and stagnant cigarette smoke. I would roll down all the windows in the car as if I was rolling down the highway waving at people. My best friend would come across the yard and “ride” with me, and we would talk of taking road trips to Virginia and Georgia. Making plans of what type of jobs we would get and the things we wanted to buy with our earnings. One year my parents went away and left me in charge of the car. This was hilarious because I had no drivers permit or license, but I was responsible for starting the car every other day to make sure it started. My friend and I felt what’s the use of starting the car if we weren’t going to move it. So, we decided to back it out of the driveway just to move it. Well we got stuck and couldn’t get the car back in the driveway. It just so happened that another neighbor had been watching us and came to assist. We still laugh about it today and it didn’t change my dreams. That was the beginning of my yearning to leave the big city and relocate somewhere south.
During the cooler winter months, I would sit with my mother and sew, knit, crochet, imagining one day I would be a seamstress or fashion designer. Cooking was also a fun pastime because it gave me time with my mother to learn of traditions that were handed down from her mother, my grandmother. Ending our days watching the news and family shows as a family helped solidify future plans and dreams from the support of my family. We discussed everything. My brother left in 1979 to join the military and created a new life for himself in another state.
Fast forward 7 years later and life was still moving forward. It was now time for me to graduate high school and choose a college to attend and prepare for my next stage of life. I entered a college in one of the coldest regions in the same state and it seemed as though my plans for moving south were being reversed. After attending this college for 2 years I returned home not with a degree in academic studies but a with a new life to prepare to take of. I was pregnant and unsure of how I was going to manage telling my parents and family and raise a child.
On February 4, 1986 at the age of 20, I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl I had ever laid eyes on. Britney J. De Sheers came into this world during a storm and blanketed my life and heart with her presence. She was indeed my next journey. I found a job when she was six months old and worked diligently to provide her with everything I ever had and then some. Her father was not present in our lives, so I had a double duty to perform. I thank God for my father and uncles who stood in the gap many days as a male presence in her life.
Through the years of Britney growing up I dedicate myself and my life to her and my parents. I earned promotions and took jobs that most women weren’t employed in just, so I could make a difference in the lives of my loved ones. Even when I got married and moved, I still made sure my parents were taken care of with a little assistance from me.
When my marriage came to an end I returned “home” to my parents’ house and picked up where we left off. Making plans to renovate to make sure everyone had space and was comfortable. As my parents began to age and their health started failing my responsibilities increased by trying to cover all the bases that involved their medical treatment. Again, making sure my family was good, I had stopped sewing and doing the things I once dreamed of.
In 2007 my father passed away leaving a void to fill. It seemed as though his death caused my mother’s failing health to deteriorate even faster. Britney was now a young lady and my right hand in every decision I needed to make concerning “us” as a family. I slowly started getting back into sewing and crocheting. I even purchased and industrial embroidery machine and started Lisa’s Threads Customized Embroidery business just to get back on my dream path.
In 2013 my mother passed away, leaving another void in my life. As the two main staples in my life departed, I knew I needed to make some major adjustments. I decided to stay in the big city try to maintain what they had built as well as transition into my own dreams of sewing and running my business. The dream of homeownership was now a true reality, except my support team had dwindled. I held onto the house for another four years until I came to the realization that it was time to sell and move on. In 2017, I made my dream of relocating to the south a reality. However, in that same year my right-hand Britney fell ill to a dormant Multiple Sclerosis flare up. She had been diagnosed when she was 17 but never had been ill. This was a setback that literally knocked the wind out of her. I nursed her back to health and she eventually returned to work in 2018. Strides were being made. I was in a new state and she was independently living on her own in the big city.
On August 2, 2018, I received a call that no parent ever wants to imagine much less receive. My right hand, Britney was at work and passed away from a pulmonary embolism at the tender age of 32. This news shook me to my core and I’m still in shock of having to have gone through the entire process of laying my only child to rest. This is not the natural order of things or anything that I had planned for my life.
As I navigate through the day to day obstacles of life, I am strengthened everyday knowing that I was blessed to have been a great daughter, sister, and mother. I also realize that I must continue to live and pursue my dreams while retaining the insight and love left from my family.
Looking forward to 2019 and the new beginnings I will create for myself according to Gods’ plan.