Born and raised in New York with a tough skin but a soft heart. Sometimes that softness can be mistaken for a weakness. Throughout my life I have dealt with ups and downs, but I never let them stop me. I was taught to be a person that does not break. Don't get me wrong I may stumble, I may fall, but I have always persevered through whatever hand I was dealt.
At a young age I knew things were different within my family setting. Mainly because my birth mother was a part of the (so I thought to be) outside family setting. One thing that stands out to me through conversations with that is, I do not remember her from my younger years but I do recall her upon my high school years. It is like there is a fog or a blockage for me during that time. My mother stated that my birth mother stayed very present upon my birth. I just felt very blessed that my parents would let her be a part of my growing up and my life experiences. Most families do not allow that because of the confusion it would cause.
I am the youngest of six (at least I thought so). Graduated high school and attempted my hand at college. Being a spoiled young lady, I could not adjust to living on campus, so I returned home. I would say within these years of watching my parents grow older and the more I began to be their caregivers, I started really paying attention and watching some things but keeping them to myself. Such as familiar traits, looks, attitudes, etc.
My life through these years were one of ups and downs; almost raped at a young age (but by his grace and mercy a family member saved me from that), failed marriages, drug use, and abuse. I would never tell anyone that I was an angel throughout my experiences because I was also a seller of paraphernalia, to stand up in my church home and give my testimony to the fact that I was a source for people to do harm to themselves was the boldest move I had made within those walls. The outer me was afraid of being pushed away, judged or befriended by the church. Once I began to understand that people do not make you, you make yourself I did not care what they thought of me or about me. All they could really judge me by is what they seen and that was a woman that took great care of her children.
Holding onto the belief that my parents wanted me to be successful in all that I did. The emotional abuse that was afflicted upon me weighed very heavy on my self confidence for many years. I didn’t feel worthy didn’t feel pretty, didn’t feel smart, wanted or just good enough. This was all caused by the words of whom I shared myself with and whom I thought loved me. But one day with a look in the mirror and a morning of church and worshiping and grasping back onto what was my foundation of upbringing I knew that the non-compliments, or semi-compliments were not because of anything I was lacking, they were what the other individual was lacking.
When that lightbulb came on things began to change for me that grinding spirit arose in me once again. But this time in a way of doing things right, I returned to College, this time with the mindset of completing but that was greeted with stumbling blocks also due to going through my divorce so once again putting that on hold but not giving in to my setback, I made that dream a reality and completed with my Bachelors (wish my parents could have been a part of it).
I relocated to be able to stand on my own, do for myself and have my own. Within that move I have learned that all men of the cloth are not what they portray to their congregation to be, not all Preachers or Pastors are cut from the same cloth as my home church Pastor. The old me would have taken advantage of this persons lack less advances and took him and his church for everything, but the new me didn’t go down that road. I think I will save that for the book- (needing a publisher and ghost writer etc.)
I always believe that I went through my situations because of the empty hole that was in my heart for my wanting to be complete. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want for anything. As a child my parents always made sure of that, but any person that does not know their other half of whence they were conceived of has an empty feeling and a yearning to be complete. Even with my father being so present in my life (but not knowing he was my father) at all school events, church recitals, teaching me how to drive, taking me on motorcycle rides, I just wish he would have or anyone would have revealed the secret before he left me for good RIP.
Being able to come to grips of who I am and what I am made of is what makes me today. I stand in my truth that I have been through some things, I am loved, I have been loved, and raised to be knowledgeable, to know that I can leave a great mark on others. To teach and show that you are not your misery, you are not your pain, you are not your mistreatment, you are the women in the mirror. And that if you let go of what you feel is holding you down you will be free. My doing so, has made it possible to come out on top to hold my head up high and continue to live life to the fullest and prayerfully hope that I can help my sisters and readers along the way.